Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained: Socked Away
by William Easley
Summary: It's been awhile since Dipper recorded a video of his investigations into the unknown. So this summer he's doing a new one-what's happening to Soos's socks? It is a mystery, to be sure.


_I do not own the show GRAVITY FALLS or any of the characters; both are the property of the Walt Disney Company and of Alex Hirsch. I make no money from these stories but write just for fun and in the hope that other fans enjoy reading them. I will ask, please, do not copy my stories elsewhere on the Internet. I work hard on these, and they mean a lot to me. Thank you._

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**Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained #601: Socked Away**

**(June 9-10, 2017)**

* * *

Early on Saturday morning, before tourists or even breakfast, Dipper finished editing his latest video. "Done," he said in a weary voice. "A new record. Just 26 seconds without end credits."

Mabel had just printed out a heavy sheaf of brightly colored lists. "Here you go, Broseph. These will stretch it out to a minute."

"I'm too tired to argue, " he said. "Go video them and I'll edit them in."

"Woof!" said Tripper, wagging his tail, evidently pleased that Mabel had succeeded in whatever it was she was doing..

From down the hall, Wendy called, "Bathroom's all yours, Mabel. Shower and dress! That goes for you, too, Dipper. Breakfast in twenty minutes."

With a sigh, Dipper saved the edited video for later. As he showered, he thought back to the previous evening, when his hopes had been high . . . .

* * *

_**Complete, unedited rough cut:**_

SCENE 1

_(Open on Dipper standing in front of a wide three -drawer bureau, mahogany, a little scratched and chipped)_

Dipper: Is it on? Are we rolling?

Mabel (V/O): Wait for your cue! Three, two—oh, Ghost Harassers, this is Mabel Pines, back behind the camera for one of Dipper's dork reports —

Dipper: Don't say that! OK, I'm starting, I'll edit this later. (Takes a beat) Hello, this is Dipper Pines, bringing you a new episode in my continuing series of investigations—

Mabel (V/O): Which he forgot completely for like three years after he started smooching—

Dipper: Cut, cut, cut!

Mabel: —Wendy! (Giggles)

_Cut to black._

* * *

SCENE 2

(_Scene opens as before)_

Dipper: Welcome to "Dipper's Guide to the—"

Mabel (V/O): Wait! I gotta count you down. You want to impress Grant and Jasyn.

Dipper: Oh, for—go ahead, you do it.

Mabel (V/O): Dah-ti-dah-dah-dah-dee-DAH! Back again, "Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained," number whatever—

Dipper: I'm holding the title card right here!

Mabel (V/O): Aw, you ruined it. Reset for take three! Cut!

Dipper: No cut! Just focus on the title card, OK?

Mabel (V/O): Only if I get my credit in.

Dipper: Fine, whatever.

Mabel (V/O): Wise decision.

_(Open on title card : Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, #601: Socked Away)_

Dipper: I'm Dipper, your paranormal investigator. Tonight's case: Socked Away!

Mabel (Turns camera toward herself): And I'm Mabel, Producer, Director, Designer, Key Grip, Best Boy, umm . . . and Composer.

Dipper: What do you mean, "composer?"

Mabel: Dah-ti-dah-dah-dah-dee-DAH!

(_A brief interruption, then shot shows Dipper beside bureau)_

Dipper: Hi, I'm Dipper Pines. You may recognize me from Episode 5 of "The New Ghost Harassers." Tonight I'm here in Oregon's famous Mystery Shack—

(_Image changes to a print of Mabel's painting of the Shack)_

Mabel (V/O): Yes, the Mystery Shack! Gravity Falls's number one tourist attraction! The favorite spot of gullible folks everywhere! Call the number on your screen and reserve your baffling, befuddling, and bewildering visit today! Tell them Mabel sent you and receive a 10% discount on a Mystery Trail tour and a free surprise from the gift shop! Fun for the whole family, even your weird uncle who smells funny!

(_Camera shot changes to Dipper)_

Dipper: She made me put that in. OK, we're back. (_Camera pulls back for a two-shot of Dipper and Soos. Soos grins and wiggles his fingers at the camera) _I'm here with the owner of the bureau behind me, Mr. Jesús Ramirez. Together with his wife Melody—

Soos: Like, hi, dawgs!

Dipper: —Soos runs the museum. Now, Mr. Ramirez —

Soos (Laughing): Oh, man, dude, call me Soos.

Dipper: Thank you, Soos.

Soos: Yeah, 'cause Mr. Ramirez is my father. No, wait, I guess my grandfather. My dad's name was Finster. Long story there, dudes.

Dipper: Maybe later, Soos. Now, this piece of furniture here is the allegedly paranormal bureau, right?

Soos: I guess so, dude. It looks like it.

Dipper: Tell us in your own words why this bureau is mysterious.

Soos: OK, so this bureau was my grandmother's, dude. I don't mean I inherited it, she just like gave it to me, right? It was like in her family for I think a thousand years or some deal, and she brought it with her from Mexico, didn't you, Abuelita?

Abuelita: (Off camera) Yes, mi hijo. Dress warm!

Little Soos: (Off camera) Papa! Papa! Look what I found in my nose!

Dipper: Definitely gonna have to edit. Now, Soos, when you put clothes in the bureau —

Soos: That's, like, 'cause Melody does the laundry, so I iron and put stuff away. Division of labor, dawgs, is the way to make a marriage last. That's a Soos tip! Uh, dude, is that OK to say?

Dipper: It's fine. How about your _socks?_

Soos: OK, I buy them at Eddie's Discount Mercantile. Seven socks in a bag, three pairs and a spare in case you lose a sock on a bus or some deal, just $4.99!

Dipper: How many socks do you have in all?

Soos: Today? Seven. Uh plus the two I'm wearing, so that's like nine total.

Dipper: Did you put socks in the top bureau drawer yesterday?

Soos: Oh, yeah, dude, just like you told me. Two packs, just out of the bags, so six pairs and two extras.

Dipper: So yesterday there were fourteen socks in the drawer, but today—

Soos: Is Friday! Ha! Nailed it!

Dipper: Right, and now, on Friday, are there any socks in the drawer?

Soos: Dude, that's the mystery. Every night any socks in the top drawer, like, vanish. That's why I started keeping them in the freezer.

Mabel: (V/O): Oh man, I think I ate one! I thought it was a frozen burrito.

Soos: That's cool, Hambone! There's one free in every pack. How was it?

Mabel (V/O): I won't need any more fiber for a month!

Dipper: Getting a little off the subject here. Soos, in your opinion, is the mystery connected to the top bureau drawer?

Soos: Oh, dude, it's like a riddle wrapped up in an enigma, tied with a ribbon of befuddlement, stashed inside a box of puzzlement, and then hidden under another riddle, only it's _the same riddle, dude! _You know what I mean?

Dipper: Um, sure. Does the bureau react when you put socks in the top drawer?

Soos: Something, like, totally eerie happens, dude! Me and my wife Melody—that's her over there with our kids, Little Soos and Harmony—hey, Mel! Love you!

Melody (Off camera): Love you too, Soosie!

Harmony (Off camera): Hi, Dada.

Little Soos (Off camera): Can I say hi? You know what, I'm just gonna do it. Hi, Pop!

(_Mabel pans the camera to show Melody and the kids. Kids wave. Little Soos makes bunny ears behind Harmony's head; she catches him and slugs him)_

Mabel (V/O): Aw, you guys are _adorable!_

Dipper (Off camera): Mabel, we have a show to shoot.

Mabel (V/O): Gotcha covered.

_(Camera pans back to Dipper and Soos)_

Dipper: OK, Soos, what happens with socks?

Soos: OK, dawg, it's like so hard to believe. It started, uh, hey, Mel, when did it start?

Melody (Off camera): In February, dear, after we got home.

Soos: Oh yeah, we got home from Mexico and socks started to disappear. Like right before my eyes, dude!

Dipper: Did you try to catch the culprit?

Soos: Couldn't do it. But in Mexico I caught a stomach bug. That was epic, dude! _Epic! _But the drawer, I like set mousetraps and all, but never caught anything.

Dipper: Does the bureau make any noises?

Soos: Melody's heard it rattle sometimes, but I haven't. The socks, like, slowly and sadly just vanish away, BOOM! Like that. And they're like gone, dude.

Dipper: A puzzling mystery indeed. But tonight we have moved the bureau from your bedroom to the guest room. I've bought ten packs of socks from the Mercantile, and my sister Mabel and I—

Mabel: (V/O): The Mystery Twins!

Dipper: . . .yeah, and we'll keep watch and try to apprehend the paranormal sock thief red-handed.

Soos: Red-footed, dawgs!

Mabel (V/O): Good one, Soos!

Soos: Just popped into my head, _boosh!_

Dipper: Join us in our midnight vigil in this episode of "Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained." We call it "Socked Away. "

* * *

SCENE 3

_(Camera shows bureau, pulled out from the wall onto a wooden floor sprinkled with white powder)_

_Subtitle: 11:45 PM_

Dipper: Have you started?

Mabel (V/O): Getting focused . . . OK, three, two, one, go!

Dipper: _(Stepping into scene) _It's now 11:45 PM. I'm about to put six pairs of new socks in the top drawer_. (He does so.) _Now I'm going to close the drawer carefully, like this. Mabel will pan the camera down—

Mabel (V/O): Tilt. When it's side to side, it's a pan. When it's up and down, it's a tilt.

Dipper: I stand corrected. Mabel will now point the camera at the floor to reveal the indicator that will show us if any invisible entities approach the bureau.

_(Camera tilts, shows floor with powder in a fine layer)_

Dipper: The powder you see is a thin layer of flour. I scattered it over the floor—

Mabel (V/O): And you're sweeping it up again too when this is finished. I gotta sleep in this room.

Dipper: Yes, fine, I'll clean up. But the layer will show footprints of anything invisible that might approach the bureau.

Mabel (V/O): And I'll make it become visible!

Dipper: And then—wait, what? How?

Mabel (V/O): Like this!

_(Mabel's hand, holding a can of spray paint, appears and pssst! Dipper's face is spray-painted purple)_

Dipper: Aggh! Mabel! P-tooey!

Mabel (V/O): It's not _permanent,_ Brobro! It'll wash off when you take a shower. Oops! Hmm, folks, guess Dipper's permanently purple at that!

_Subtitle: 12:14 AM_

_(Dipper has cleaned up and changed clothes)_

Dipper: It's been almost a half hour, and nothing has happened yet.

Mabel (V/O): Yeah, it has! Dipper has actually taken a shower!

_Sound FX: Crowd gasps, cheers, applauds_

Dipper: Now cut that out! And put Soos's keyboard away!

Mabel (V/O): All sound effects by Mabel Pines.

_(Dipper opens bureau drawer, holds up a couple of pairs of socks)_

Dipper: Checking here. All the socks appear to remain in the drawer. _(Puts socks back in, closes the drawer)_

_(The instant Dipper closes the drawer, the whole bureau shakes and rattles violently. Dipper jerks the drawer open again. It is empty)_

Dipper: Wait, what? All the socks are gone! How is that even possible?

Mabel (V/O): Only one possibility—it's a mystery!

Dipper: No footprints in the flour. My anomaly meter shows no unusual readings. Puzzling.

* * *

_SCENE 4_

_Subtitle: 12:40 AM_

Dipper: OK, we couldn't find anything unusual. No pocket dimensions or ghosts or anything. So I've just put two more packs of socks in the drawer, see? Now I close the drawer—

_(This time the bureau shakes violently, and Dipper yanks the drawer open again immediately)_

Dipper: I don't believe it! They're all gone! Could it be some kind of disintegrator?

Mabel (V/O): Is it a possum? It could be a possum!

Dipper: It's not a possum. It's never a possum! It can only be a baffling rift in reality—

Mabel (V/O): Take out the bottom drawer.

Dipper: But look, my anomaly detector shows no trace of interdimensional—what?

Mabel (V/O): Take out the bottom drawer. When my favorite undies go missing in my bureau, it's because they fell out the back of the drawer and are off behind the bottom drawer.

Dipper: But something moved in there! All right, go get a golf club. Just leave the camera going.

_Sound FX: Mabel runs away, thunders up and then down the stairs. She comes into the picture holding a putter._

Dipper: Thanks, now we're armed. Folks, I've deduced that the creature—

Mabel: Whaaat? You've deduced? You? I guess I'll just take my putter outside and play some midnight mini-golf!

Dipper: Correction—Mabel deduced that the socks may be behind the drawers. So I'll take out the top one—and not the middle one—

Mabel: I can see some socks! A whole pile, looks like. We've discovered Mount Sockmore!

_(A bizarre puppet-like creature jumps up from a pile of fallen socks as Dipper removes the last drawer. He drops it in alarm, spilling lots of Soos's tighty-whitie underwear)_

Dipper: Quick, give me the golf club!

Mabel: No, you'd hit him!

Dipper: Of course, I'd hit—

Mabel: You can't! I won't let you hurt him. He's so little. Just look at him!

_(Cowering, the creature—a sock monkey—shrinks away from Dipper. It picks up a wad of socks and cuddles it, staring at them with big puppy-dog eyes)_

Dipper: I'm not going to hurt it, I just want to force it out.

Mabel: Aw, look at him. He's just like my favorite stuffed toy when I was two! Hi, baby! Hi, little monkey!

_(Sock Monkey chatters sadly)_

Dipper: It's a living stuffed toy! That's anew one in the annals of the unexplained!

_(Sock Monkey moans softly and holds out three socks wadded up together with an imploring gesture)_

Dipper: I see! It's trying to return the stolen socks—

Mabel: No, he isn't. Dip, don't you understand? He's tried to fold them up to make another sock monkey. He wants a friend!

Dipper: Seriously?

_(Mabel accepts the socks from the monkey, who follows them with big sad eyes)_

Mabel: See, these two are the legs, and the third one's the body and head. Hey, little guy, do you want me to make you a friend?

Sock Monkey: Ook ook eek!

Dipper: Look here in the bottom of the bureau. There must be about a hundred socks in here!

Sock Monkey: Ook ee ee eep! Eepy eep!

Mabel: Oh, he wants me to make him a new _girlfriend!_

Sock Monkey: Ook ookoo eep! Eepity eep eep!

Mabel: He wants me to make him a _beautiful_ girlfriend! OK, this will take a little time. I'll turn off the camera. Dip, you rake all those socks out.

Dipper: Wait, Ma—

_(Cut to black)_

* * *

SCENE 5

_(Camera reveals a tired-looking Dipper)_

Dipper: Um, OK, it's, uh, _three o'clock in the morning?_

Mabel (V/O): Great art takes time!

Dipper: And Mabel has used a pair of the socks I bought to make a new sock monkey—

_(Mabel steps into the picture, carrying a sock monkey)_

Mabel: Ta-dah! _(She holds up the sock monkey she has made)_ She's beautiful! You can tell she's a girl because I gave her long eyelashes!

_(Sock monkey is excited and points at bureau urgently)_

Dipper: The creature seems to want Mabel to put his, um, friend, I guess, in the bottom drawer. So let me empty out all of Soos's clothes from that drawer—

Wendy (V/O): It's underwear, man!

Dipper: _(Pausing in the act of taking out and stacking Soos's briefs) _Wendy? What are you doing up?

Wendy: My room's next to this one, and you guys were talking loud. What's up?

Dipper: We're trying to solve the mystery of Soos's missing socks—

Mabel: Meet Socky!

Sock Monkey: Eeep.

Wendy: Huh. Well, that's not the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

Mabes: Heck, no, 'cause you've seen Dipper's—

Dipper: Cut! Cut!

_(Dipper reaches for camera and scene cuts to black)_

* * *

SCENE 6

_(Dipper holds bottom bureau drawer open. Mabel is putting the sock monkey doll she made into the drawer)_

Dipper: OK, Mabel is placing the new sock monkey—

Mabel: Sockette!

Dipper: Whatever, she's placing it inside the bottom drawer. And now the living sock monkey—

Mabel: Socky!

Dipper: —if you say so, is climbing into the bottom drawer, too. I think he wants me to close it, so here goes.

_(Dipper closes the drawer—bureau rumbles, miniature lightning bolts flash out of it)_

Dipper: Whoa!

Mabel: Open the drawer! Open the drawer!

_(Dipper opens the bottom drawer. Socky climbs out, reaches down, helps Sockette climb out too)_

Mabel: She's alive! She's alive! She's ali-hi-hi-hive! Bwah-hah-hah!

Wendy: Cool beans with awesome sauce!

Dipper: This is the most amazing discovery in thousands of years! Right before your eyes—

Mabel: No! No, Dipper, you can't put this on the internet!

Dipper: What? Mabel—you just made a sock monkey doll, and we brought it to life!

Mabel: Come on—we didn't do it for publicity! We did it to make Socky happy. Socky—listen, Socky, you won't steal Soos's socks any more, will you?

Sock Monkey: Eep ook oop eek, uh-uh.

Mabel: See? Now we just ought to give this happy little couple some privacy. You can't make them something everybody gawks at.

Wendy (V/O): Gotta go with Mabel, dude. It would be wrong to exploit these little guys.

Dipper: But—but—(_Sighs_). OK. I guess you're right. No episode.

Mabel: No, Broseph, have the episode, just make it like a "Ghost Harassers" segment. Lots of investigation, but no ghost at the end. It'll still be interesting even if you don't show Socky and Sockette.

Dipper. I guess. Fine. Let's re-set the camera and everything and I'll do a wrap-up.

* * *

SCENE 7

_(Camera shows Dipper, alone, in front of bureau, all drawers closed)_

Dipper: _(Mumbling a little) _So it looks as if the missing socks just fell down behind the drawers and that the living sock monkey is only a legend, not real at all, so it shouldn't be hunted down or disturbed. This is Dipper Pines, saying good-night—

_(Sock Monkey clambers up Dipper's shirt to his left shoulder)_

Socky: Eeep eep yay!

Dipper: You're not supposed to be on camera!

Mabel (V/O): Friends, that's Socky Balboa, the living sock monkey. He just wanted a friend.

_(Second Sock Monkey scrambles up to Dipper's right shoulder)_

Mabel (V/O): And this is the one I made for Socky. This is Sockette Rockefeller, Socky's girlfriend. (_Both sock monkeys climb on top of Dipper's head and embrace passionately. And other stuff). _Woo, look at that! I guess I don't mean girlfriend—I made him a _wife!_ You two rock!

Wendy (V/O): Man, look at 'em go! They're gonna make some baby booties!

Dipper: Get them off my head!

Mabel (V/O): Come on, behave yourselves! Can't stop 'em, Dip, just close out.

Dipper: But I have monkeys making out on my head!

Mabel (V/O): Close now, edit later!

Dipper: This is Dipper Pines, saying goodbye until next time!

Mabel (V/O): Incredibly realistic sock-monkey R-rated puppets created by me, Mabel Pines!

Wendy (off-camera): Woohoo, this is freakin' hot! Hey, Dip, I'm starting to feel frisky. Wanna get freaky and fool around with me?

Dipper: Wendy! Mabel, cut!

Wendy (off-camera, laughing): Aw, look how embarrassed Dip is! He fell for it, Mabel—that's ten bucks you owe me!

Mabel (V/O): Worth it!

_(Cut to black.)_

* * *

The End


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